Nine Ladies Anti Quarry Campaign
A Sermon by The Count
Some of you may be wondering why such a city slicker as me is involved with this campaign; I know I do from time to time myself. Normally seen in town behind the bar of the Spread Eagle or out clubbing in top designer gear, no jewellery, tattoos or interesting hairstyle, my public image as a piss-taking, hard dancing, misogynist downsized yuppie is taking a bit of a battering since becoming an eco-anarchist and corporate assassin. For those of you mistakenly under the impression I might be a nice person (there's always at least one sucker), let me stress that:
- I don't believe in any of that hippy bullshit, and certainly not my own variety of it;
- I don't want to save the planet, blowing it up seems to make much more sense;
- I am not really a 764 year old vampire, nor am I in any way connected with Sesame St.
The sequence of events runs thus:
- Daz and his dog Ruffit (Daz is to 9 ladies what Bob Geldof was to Live Aid) visit my house-warming party, December 1999
- Daz and Ruffit send the pub a Happy Winter Solstice card from 9 Ladies, December 1999
- I make a vow to Richard, my Pagan landlord, New Millennium Day
- Richard & Kathryn visit the Stones on her birthday, January 1999
- I follow them the same day and the 9 Ladies choose me themselves in a dream
Hang on a minute! Isn't that last one a bit of "hippy bullshit"? Well, as a registered nutter, I have to be very clear about what's real and what isn't. The actual physical sensation of being forced into the ground by a gigantic invisible corkscrew, using all my own mental power to counter it, woke me up with a start. The only other time I have experienced a natural force that strong in my sleep was during the Mexico City earthquake of 1986, which nearly killed me even though I was thousands of miles away.
So here we are in the year of the dragon, century of the fruitbat, age of aquarius etc. which makes it a time for action. This is where I really do become a pious hypocrite (I was only pretending earlier) by telling you what I've been doing, and to ask you why you've done next to sod all when it's your religious monument under threat.
| Action Taken | Time | Cost |
|---|---|---|
| Write to Peak District National Park Authority | ½ hour | 1 stamp |
| Write to John Prescott, Secretary of State @ DETR | ½ hour | 1 stamp |
| Write to newspapers & television | 1 hour | 4 stamps |
| Prepare display boards for pub | 2 hours | £1 copying |
| Bottle spring water to offer customers in pub | 2 days | 4 gals DERV |
| Inspect planning applications @ PDNPA | 1 day | Nil |
| Prepare legal defences inc 9 Ladies Water Company Ltd | Ongoing | Postage etc. |
| Act as interface between protesters, villagers & others | Ongoing | Nil |
| Rattle collection tin occasionally | Ongoing | Nil |
| Visit protest site bringing fuel, supplies & moral support | 2 bar shifts | 4 gals DERV |
I can't stress the importance of this last one enough. The only useful purpose I can serve on-site is as an extra body blocking the minions of evil, those who would rape & kill the planet for profit (as opposed to doing it for kicks, which is perfectly OK in my book). Yes, I can cook, clean, fetch water and just about keep a fire going, but if you want a treehouse built or a tunnel dug you're talking to the wrong geezer. I have agreed to help build my own lock-on above the spring source and will be there on eviction day; if any sound system commits to doing a free party around the vernal equinox, I'll sort the bar out as well.
So get up off your fat arses & do something useful for a change; the 9 Ladies will reward you handsomely, and unlike Christianity it'll be in this world, this reality, this lifetime.
The Count